Colors and Capes
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Xander in DC played for laughs. You've never seen crack like this before!
1. Chapter 1

**Colors and Capes**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DC or Mutant Enemy.**

Halfrek looked fondly down at the sleeping figures of Anya and Xander Harris.

She almost felt guilty about what she had to do, but there was no way she was going to watch her friend die, aging day by day and fading away in the blink of an eye. So Xander, the one man the former patron Saint of Scorned Women found worthy, was simply going to have to go.

She could only grant wishes to children, but technically everyone was a child once, so all she had to do was grant a wish that Xander had made as a child to take him some place far away.

The magic of the wish was such that she didn't even have to know what his wish was to grant it and she was sure D'Hoffryn wouldn't mind as long as Anyanka returned to the fold.

With a whispered, "Wish granted." Xander's form slowly vanished. With a snap of her fingers Hallie did as well.

Xander groaned and opened his eyes; stars, streetlamps and tall buildings greeted his befuddled gaze. Whereas he expected to see cinder blocks and the various accoutrements of his parent's basement he found himself staring up at concrete and steel.

Nightwing paused in his pursuit of Harley and Ivy as he caught sight of the naked man in the street, and just had to comment.

Moments later, as Xander stood and looked around himself with some confusion, a figure in the shadows spoke, "You know, wandering through Bludhaven in the nude is not only foolish, it is also quite illegal."

"Dick? Dick Grayson?" Xander's eyebrows shot skyward as he beheld the black mask and blue and gold uniform of the Bat's former protege. With a look of shock on what was visible of his face, Nightwing dropped to the alley floor.

"Uh, how did you?"

"Where I'm from every comic book geek knows who you are."

"Would you mind coming with me?" the shell shocked Nightwing asked.

"You aren't coming onto me are you?" Xander asked, looking at him suspiciously out of the corner of his eyes.

Nightwing sputtered indignantly, "No, I'd just rather discuss how you know my secret identity somewhere not everyone in the world is going to overhear it."

"Is there an offer of pants involved?" Xander deadpanned, figuring as long as no Boom-Chicka-Now-Wow music started playing everything would be alright.

"Oh, that's OK then, I don't suppose you have a spare pair of pants on that belt do you?"

"Sorry, I seem to be fresh out."

"I was thinking we'd just ride my cycle over to my place where we can get you some pants and discuss this in private."

Xander looked at him sideways again. "You're sure this isn't a gay thing?"

"No, no I was planning on you riding facing backwards... and possibly burning the cycle seat after."

Harley and Ivy peeked out of the alley as they heard the distinct purr of Nightwing's cycle go by, only to stare stunned almost speechless as the bike went by with Xander flapping in the breeze as it were.

"Well you know what they say Ivy, they're either all gay or good guys."

"I don't recall anyone ever saying that."

"I just did, weren't you listening?"

"I try not to listen to you too much, I like my fragile hold on sanity just as it is," Ivy teased playfully.

"Aww Ivy, you say the sweetest things."

"Remind me why I put up with you again..."

"I'm double jointed and you like that thing I do with my tongue?"

"Oh, yeah..."

Both burst out in happy laughter, returning to their hideout. "You know I think moving to Bludhaven was really a good idea."

"What are you talking about? We were interrupted by Nightwing before we could do anything remotely criminal."

"Yeah, but Batsy would never stop chasing us just to pick up a naked guy."

"Even if he did have a windsock dangling between his legs."

Xander walked into Dick's apartment, rubbing his buns firmly with his hands. "You know, I really didn't think that ride would hurt so much. Did you have to go so fast? I don't think my poor abused ass is ever going to forgive you."

Barbara froze in the act of turning around, waiting to see who exactly Dick was bringing with him through the door. Incredulous thoughts of 'he's gay?' running through her head as her eyes immediately locked on Xander's waist.

"Hey, my eyes are up here red!"

Stunned Barbara nodded. "Yes they probably are," she agreed absently not taking her eyes off certain of his attributes and his inadequate attempts to cover himself with his hands.

"OK! We're at your place!" Xander exclaimed turning to Nightwing. "Can I have those pants now, please?"

"He blackmailed you into coming to his place or he wouldn't give you your pants back?" Barbara asked stunned.

"Hey, he was naked when I found him!"

"So you just decided, 'let's bring the naked guy home?' Dick, is there something you want to tell me? I'll understand, really. I mean, those stories about me and Super Girl aren't wholly inaccurate. Because, sometimes someone of the same sex can have an obvious attribute that is just so attractive that it overrides a normally very heterosexual orientation... I can tell he's very attractive, and yes that is impressive... But I think kidnapping him and taking away his pants is still wrong!"

Xander got a far off look in his eye and suddenly two hands which weren't doing an adequate job in the first place did an even poorer job. "Seriously, can I get some pants here?" Xander asked, blushing some at Barbara's frank appraisal. "Some pants, any time this century would be nice!"

Barbara giggled softly, grinning up at Xander unrepentantly from her place on the sofa as Nightwing returned from the other room with some spandex jogging shorts in tow.

Xander swiftly snatched the shorts and was in them in no time flat, finding them better than being naked, if only just. "This is all you could find, spandex jogging shorts? Are you sure this isn't a gay thing?"

"It was the closest thing to hand," Nightwing excused himself before turning to Barbara. "So... You and Super Girl huh?" he asked with a playful grin.

"Like you have any room to talk, Mr. Lets Kidnap the Guy and Steal his Pants."

Xander looked back and forth between the two Super Heroes, glaring a bit at each of them. "Good lord, it's me and Cordy in high school. Where's a bug dude when you need one?"

They both turn to face him. "What?"

"Or we could just lock you two in a broom closet and let you work it out." Xander grinned back at them.

"It's not like that! Seriously, we grew up together he's practically my brother!" Barbara exclaimed.

"And I don't play the banjo," Nightwing added firmly.

"Ok, ok... No need to get your panties in a bunch, because frankly I have wedgie enough for all of us. Seriously, spandex – are you **sure** its not a gay thing?"

Nightwing rolled his eyes. "It's the only thing I have that I'm sure would fit you, I don't exactly keep various sizes of clothes around to give random naked guys who I find wandering around Bludhaven after dark."

**AN: Godogma and me came up with this late one night tossing ideas back and forth, while up way past any sane person's bedtime. He said it was way too silly to post, so he gave it to me, knowing I have all the innate resistance to excessive silliness that a cat has to catnip. I wrote a huge section that bridges this and a couple of later sections we already have typed up, but considering my hatred of actually typing my own work you'll all have to wait for that while I edit and post the three small sections we came up with and he typed up.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ivy Kidnaps Xander**

"You know how you're never around when Batman is...?" Nightwing trailed off with a grin.

"I'm never around when Wonder Woman is either, but I don't see people blamin' me for that one or claiming that I'm her secret identity. Which would be a neat trick you'd have to admit. Of course that'd mean that she has fake breasts and I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you say that to her face." Xander snickered.

"I'm also never here when Galatea's here, when Super Girl is here – damn! This is getting depressing. I wonder if it's my cologne? Why am I never here when the half naked good aligned hotties are around? The evil hotness is always around. Damn, maybe it **IS** my cologne!" Xander turned to Nightwing. "What do you use? I think it's time to switch brands."

Nightwing turned to Xander after he finally finished laughing only to find him gone. "Yeah and he keeps wondering why people think he's the Batman."

**Moments later, deep inside Poison Ivy's lair. **

"Honey that's not exactly what I meant when I suggested marital aides," Harley Quinn said as Poison Ivy returned to the bedroom – one of her animated rose vines following along carrying Xander.

The rose's motion against the already torn and well worn material of Xander's pants finished the job of removing his pants. "On second thought, honey you're a genius!"

Xander now unfettered by the overgrown mutant rose bush turned to the two and said, "You think you can just kidnap me and expect me to cooperate?"

Ivy grinned wickedly and ripped away the sheet covering Harley's nude form and sent it gliding off the bed as her own costume (which was entirely composed of leaves) drifted gently to the floor.

"But what do I know? Ivy, you're the genius!" Xander echoed Harley's last statement.

**AN: Yes it's very short. I have a massive scene between this one and the last one that I'm far too last to type up yet that this would have fit perfectly on the end of, but in the interest of actually clearing some space I am posting this first.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Slave to the Bump and Grind or an itch you've got to Scratch**

"Crime rates have dropped below targeted projections for the last two weeks," Nightwing muttered.

"And that's a bad thing?" Batgirl asked.

"Batman always said that if the crime rates didn't match your projections, you'd either made a mistake in your calculations or something was going on that you were missing."

"I've rechecked my calculations," Batgirl pointed out.

"Exactly, so I have to be missing something!"

Harley popped her head out from under the covers. "I feel like we're forgetting something."

Xander's head popped out from the other end of the covers. "No, I'm pretty sure if you have a checklist we've already gone through it."

Ivy's head popped out from another side. "Twice. I believe, though some water would be nice, I'm feeling a little parched."

"Fruit juice and a soak in the hot tub?" Xander suggested.

"Sounds good," Ivy agreed.

"I think I know what I've forgotten!" Harley declared, as she set her fruit juice down.

Xander who was on the other side of Ivy spoke up curiously, "What?"

"We forgot to rob any banks, jewelry stores, etc," Harley said.

Ivy sighed. "Which means we need to get cracking or the bills won't get paid, and while the local banks may be pushovers, the utility companies are a force to be reckoned with."

"Hmmm, Ivy dear, isn't one of your main goals to reduce pollution and increase the plant population on this planet?" Xander asked.

"Yes, but that doesn't pay the bills, hence the various felonies on my record," Ivy admitted.

"But it can," Xander pointed out. "Companies that make fertilizer produce significant amounts of waste, right?"

"Yes," Ivy agreed, wondering where he was going with this.

"I'm sure you make much more effective fertilizer than they do, and with a great deal less waste, right?"

"I see what you're saying, but I simply can't produce enough to compete with them."

"Sorry sweet cheeks, it was a nice try though," Harley said.

Xander just grinned. "You aren't aiming to compete with them, you're aiming to change the way they operate … and make a buck."

"How?" Ivy asked, interested.

"Patent the process and market it as a green alternative – they'll pay you, so they can make less pollution," Xander grinned.

"I've tried getting them to switch before darling, but offering it free and even threatening them was useless."

"Yes, but you aren't going to either of these this time. This time you're going to charge all the market will bear."

"I think we may have fucked you crazy," Ivy said thoughtfully.

Xander chuckled. "Harley, you've studied psychology – tell me why it won't work."

"Because ..." Harley's voice trailed off as she thought about it, and her eyes grew wide. "Holy feakin' Hanna, it'll work!"

Ivy looked between the two. "It sounds insane, but it's feasible? I'll need a little in depth on that one."

"Business men are a bunch of greedy bastards who think everyone is out to get them and they think everyone else thinks the same way they do. So, if you give them something for free they think it's either worthless or a trick to ruin them, but if you behave like them and say it'll cost an arm and a leg …" Harley trailed off.

"They'll fall all over each other trying to get it!" Ivy exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you were trying to solve the problem with brute force when you should have been thinking like your namesake, find a crevice and wedge your way in, widening the crack," Xander said fervidly before getting an evil grin and ducking under the water.

Twenty plus minutes later Xander resurfaced.

"Are you related to Aquaman?" Harley panted. "Because I'm fairly certain normal men can't do that!"

"Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure mortal men couldn't keep with us much less out last us," Ivy added.

"Well, there are a couple of things about me you don't know; while in high school I was briefly possessed by a primal spirit – a hyena, which really increased my endurance. Later on my swim coach tried to mutate me into the creature from the black lagoon to win a swim meet. So when you combine the two …" Xander trailed of waggling his eyebrows playfully.

"Sex is your super power?" Harley guessed.

Xander laughed. "That and the combination of a smoking hot blond and redhead are my kryptonite, it's like hitting overdrive on my libido."

"Projection still off?" Batgirl asked.

"Yes, it's been a month now and I have no idea what I'm missing! If this keeps up I'm going to have to ask the old man for help."

Batgirl sighed. "I tell you what, I'll grab Super Girl and do a thorough patrol and see what shakes loose from the cracks and crevices we normally don't reach."

Nightwing smiled. "Thanks, I'd appreciate that."

Harley lay flat on her back, covered in sweat and panting for breath. "Ivy?"

"Yeah?" the breathless redhead replied.

"I can't feel my legs."

"Neither can I."

"Are we going to die?"

"I never thought it was possible to go out this way, but I'm beginning to think so," Ivy replied seriously.

"We need some way to distract him for a week or two," Harley said.

"He said his weakness was blonde and redhead combos, right?"

"I do recall that, yes."

"Well, what if we let slip to Super Girl and Bat Girl that we kidnapped some poor schmoe? They'll rescue him and we can recover!"

"That's not a bad idea, I can see a few ways to improve upon it however," Ivy agreed.

"Kryptonians are probably more resistant to death by snoo-snoo, so they'll be fine."

"He's coming back, quick play along!" Ivy said trying not to panic.

"Miss me?" Xander asked smiling happily and completely unaware that the two super villainesses were almost entirely exhausted, because neither was willing to admit that a mere man had more stamina than they did.

"Terribly, but while you were getting lunch I thought of a game we could play," Ivy said saucily.

"Anything you girls want, I'll do my best to provide," Xander promised.

"Does helpless captive and horny heroines sound like fun?" Ivy asked as numerous vines crept up behind him.

"I like role play," Xander agreed.

"Everything set?" Harley asked still not moving.

"He's strapped down and blindfolded in the spare bedroom with a light dusting of aphrodisiac pollen covering him. I've got two plant doppelgangers in the room with him, so if Super Girl looks in she'll think we're there."

"Now we just need to put the word out on the street," Harley agreed. "Can you bring me the phone? I still can't walk."

"Sure hun, how long do you think it'll take them to respond?"

"I dunno, but hopefully soon."

**17 minutes later …**

A muffled crash sounded in the spare room as Batgirl and Super Girl burst in to rescue the … victim.

Harley smiled. "Sleepy time!"

"Indeed, my dear Harley, indeed."

"What are we going to do tomorrow night, Ivy?"

"Try and get some more sleep, unless of course he's exhausted those two already, then I'm thinking Hawkgirl and Galatea."

"Night night, Ivy."

"Night night, Harley."

**AN: And that's all we wrote! If I ever actually type up the large in between section I'll be sure to add it. Toodles! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A Night at the Busted Flush**

"A normal human can't rip a heart out of a man's chest with his bare hands," the Riddler said, shaking his head.

"I'm not ruling it out," the Penguin said, shaking his head. "Everything in the movie was supposed to be possible if not actually true."

"What do you think?" the Riddler asked Xander, as he delivered a round of beers to the table where a group of Batman's less homicidal villains were arguing over a martial arts movie that was getting a lot of press lately.

Xander frowned. "Barring drugs or insanity, which I think we can all agree can boost someone's strength beyond the human norm, it actually is possible for a normal human to rip someone's heart out of their chest with their bare hands, however the scene from the movie was crap as it takes several specific moves to do it."

"Seriously?" Catwoman asked.

Xander nodded. "The first blow is on the level of the heart but the center of one side of the chest, preferably the one most convenient to your dominant hand. This makes it easier for right handed people than left because the heart is usually slightly off center to the left side of a human's chest."

"You've done it," the Scarecrow said suddenly, reading Xander's body language.

"Yeah, kinda," Xander admitted. "Let me finish explaining the traditional way first."

"This I have to hear," a villain Xander didn't recognize said, joining the table in an outfit similar to Catwoman's, so Xander mentally dubbed him Catman.

"The first blow has to break, not shatter mind you, but break, those two ribs in the center. Now you are advised to have medium length sharpened nails on your dominant hand, but that's mostly to help your confidence, because using a rigid hand you have to pierce the chest between those two broken ribs."

"Is that even possible?" Catwoman asked in shock.

Xander nodded. "I never said it was easy, but it is possible. There are martial arts techniques that can be used to strengthen your fingers enough to accomplish this. Anyway, you have to curl your fingers inside the wound and pull the target towards you while pushing your other hand in as well. Now you have to pull apart the flesh which is a lot easier as the simple break in the center of those two ribs will allow the wound to spread like... let's just say a hole."

"Thanks," Catwoman said dryly, trying to pretend she wasn't turning green.

"The person I learned it from was not in any way politically correct. Anyway, the hole should be big enough to plunge your hand into and you'll need a bit of space to draw back so you can pierce the lungs and travel the six to seven inches needed to grab the heart," Xander explained.

"The target would have died from shock at that point," Catman said.

"Nah," Xander shook his head. "You have to do all the steps mentioned so quick they won't have time. Now if you've shattered the ribs, it's harder to open their chest and you'll likely have both, more trouble pulling your fist out, and cut yourself on the bone. Those edges are sharp, but if done properly then remember to twist and pull and you will have maybe two seconds before lack of blood flow shuts down the target's brain."

"So you can show it to him before he dies," Penguin said.

Xander nodded. "Brain death takes a couple of minutes, but consciousness is gone seconds after blood flow is stopped."

"And you've done this?" Scarecrow asked.

"Not exactly," Xander said. "I've attempted, and I guess it is a pretty funny story."

"How can ripping out someone's heart be funny?" Catwoman asked.

Xander shook his head ruefully. "The events surrounding it are pretty gruesome, but the event itself actually was pretty amusing."

"Really?" Scarecrow asked. "Please go on."

"Ok, well my home town is a bit darker than you get around here," Xander admitted, causing some stares. "We had a door to hell in the center of town that you could never fully close, so our town attracted... people you guys wouldn't wanna associate with."

"This group?" Catwoman snorted.

"These guys raise a little Cain and play havoc with the insurance rates, but I'm pretty sure none of them ever earned a medical degree for the sole purpose of keeping a twelve year old girl alive as long as possible while you sliced off and ate bits of her."

Muttered curses and looks of disgust swept the room.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "Now there are two additional pieces of information you need to know."

"It gets worse?" Riddler asked in horror.

"Not quite," Xander shook his head. "See, the guy I tried to rip the heart out of would do this and sacrifice the girl on her thirteenth birthday, so if you could get there a couple of days before her birthday, she would be completely unharmed."

"Why would someone do such a thing?" the villain Xander dubbed Catman demanded.

"Because he was straight up evil, a real demon," Xander replied. "See, he devoured a 'heart full of wrath' at least once a month because he believed it kept him strong."

"How would a little girl be considered full of wrath?" Penguin demanded, upset.

"She wasn't," Xander shook his head. "See, he had an ability that allowed him to screw with minds so he made someone else believe it was their younger sister."

Scarecrow nodded in understanding. "He made you believe it was your younger sister."

"Exactly!" Xander agreed. "A corrupted champion was his bread and butter, but instead of my friend - a well-known champion - he got me. I was so pissed at someone trying to harm my little sister that I swore I would rip his heart out of his ribcage with my bare hands and show it to him before he died."

"And you actually studied how to do it while trying to rescue your sister?" Catwoman asked in surprise.

"I was raised to keep my word," Xander replied, not wanting to get into how the oath provided a weakness in the demon's magical protection.

"I don't think even Superman takes it quite that far," the Riddler noted.

Xander shrugged. "I studied the traditional ways and realized I didn't have enough time to learn them if I wanted to save my sister, so I cheated a little."

"How so?" Scarecrow asked intently.

"I said I would rip it out of his chest with my bare hands, not that I would make a hole in his chest with my bare hands," Xander said with a grin.

"So you deliberately set out to kill him?" Catman asked.

"Him and his twelve friends," Xander replied cheerfully. "They'd done this once a month for well over a decade and this was to be their one hundred and sixty ninth sacrifice. They'd passed the point of 'needed killing' long ago."

"A hundred and sixty eight victims," the Riddler said with a sigh.

"Three hundred and thirty six," Catman corrected. "They killed pairs."

"Actually it was a lot more than that," Xander shook his head. "They also killed for fun, believing that as long as they killed and devoured the pair on schedule, they were blessed and untouchable. A dozen deaths a week would be a conservative estimate for the group."

"And no one had caught them?" the Scarecrow asked.

"They mainly killed drifters and the homeless while moving from city to city," Xander explained. "The few people who had caught on just became additional victims."

"Please tell me you killed them all," Penguin said.

"Me and my friends tracked them down and killed them," Xander assured him. "I used a weighted glove with a set of sharpened brass knuckles to make a hole in his side before reaching in and pulling his heart out."

"And where's the humor in it?" Catwoman asked dryly.

Xander grinned. "I reached straight in, grabbed his heart, and pulled it straight out."

"You forgot to twist," Catman said in understanding.

Xander bust out laughing. "Exactly. Has anyone here ever used a slingshot?" The assorted villains, who were hanging on his every word, nodded. "Since I forgot to twist it, all the veins and arteries were still connected and it was slippery. So I yank it out and he's staring at it in horror when it slips from my grasp and vanishes back into his chest with a sort of splat noise." Some of the regulars snickered at the cartoonish imagery Xander had brought to mind.

"Then what did you do?" Catwoman asked.

"I pulled a wooden stake out of my belt and shoved it through his heart," Xander said. "While my friends took care of the dozen cultists and untied my friend's little sister. We went out for ice cream and went to bed early because we had school in the morning and it was already two am."

"You hunted serial killers while in high school?" the Scarecrow asked.

Xander nodded. "It kept us busy and beat the hell out of the other school clubs."

"Bah," the Toy Maker said, from a table halfway across the bar. "Sounds like a tall tale to me."

Xander's hand vanished up a sleeve and reappeared a second later as he flung a wooden stake across the room where it sank point-first into the dart board just below the bull's-eye, making everyone jump.

***SNAP***

Xander jumped and rubbed his butt from where the bartender had snapped him with a towel. "Don't scare the customers," she ordered, before returning behind the bar, muttering about finding the only person who could scare off her customers.

"How many people have you killed?" Catman asked.

"That's a tricky question," Xander replied, heading to the bar to pick up more drinks. "People implies a lot of things that don't necessarily fit."

"Like what?" the Scarecrow asked.

"Well, people isn't exactly an objective term. I've heard pet owners claim their pets were people."

"How about humans, meta or otherwise?" Catman asked.

"Probably a couple," Xander admitted, "but the majority of what we dealt with wasn't human, even if they were wearing a human body."

"How could you be sure?" Catman asked.

"Sometimes you couldn't'," Xander admitted. "But a handful of school kids and a British librarian were all that stood between the Earth and the forces of hell, so our moral justification was a lot better than you'd think."

"Why aren't you guarding it now?" Riddler asked nervously.

"Got magically banished somehow," Xander replied. "Imagine you got a door to Heaven as well as Hell... like an elevator. You guys live on the tenth floor. We lived on the second, if not the first."

"So your world is closer to Hell than it is to here," the Riddler said.

Xander nodded. "Fun fact, opening a portal to my world is technically opening a portal to a hell dimension."

"Suddenly I appreciate Gotham a lot more," Catwoman said. "To Gotham!" she toasted.

"To Gotham!" the bar chorused, almost to a man.

"It may not be much, but at least it's not his home town!"

**AN: Ordieth on the keyboard!**


End file.
